Not her fault...

But perhaps mine... I hate myself...

MY WORLD JUST CRASHED~

hai...

I now keep on having mix feelings...

If Xiang de tong, I could sleep at ease, carry on with my daily life....

If xiang bu tong, I could not sleep, will be sad and no appetite lol...

I think I know... yet it is just thoughts...

I think I understand.... but it is just me...

Of cause I dun want the bad news...
but if it is the truth, I would want to know it first hand...

Being a freaking pesimist...
I came up with lots of ending just like a director...

at times it is just so hard to get by...

Fighting back all the urges...
Feeling lost and helpless always like a crying baby...

I sure hope it is all just my imagination and that what I've read are not true...

what's the truth then?

Lol... am sick once again...

This time round it is really one of the worst that I ever had.

God must be punishing me for being rebellious during last Saturday when I left my house for the first time at 11.30pm to go to Thomas house to stay over. Instead of going home straight in the morning, I hang out at jun's house until 3pm when we met pok for a movie .
Haha great show, but it all comes with a price for being havoc I guess...
(even though i keep mentioning about god, i dun believe in it but rather may be just an upper figure for my to blame and throw all the responsiblilty to him/she lol)

Was not feeling really well when i reached home 8pm, was having slight headach and felt rather chilling. Things got worst when I kept feeling really kinda but I still ate somemore snacks...
That nite was horrible I thought, slept with my blanket covering my entire body cause I was shivering like mad and sweating at the same time. But that was rather fine after what I had experience the next nite.

Monday morning, still feeling kinda aching. I decided to skip work for a day and visit the doctor as i did have a fever and kept feeling really blotted and full.
It was all fine even during my visit to the doctor. He checked me, left, right, down and up to see what would caused my fever but found none. It was after the checked 'centre' my stomach that he realised what was the problem. My stomach obviously giving of weird sound that tells the doctor it was very active.

He told me I would have diarrhoea real soon and I did not believe him, cause I just shitted in the morning and it was all fine, normal.
My beloved brother made a comment just then saying something about, "THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM".
I was thinking he was being lame once again and ignored that too...

I paid the price in full, or should say plus interest for my ignorance...
Godly, my brother was so darn right... just about 7pm monday nite, i experience the storm first hand...
It was nitemare, my stomach started chuning like a washing machine...
and started to go to toilet at an hour interval and stayed in toilet for 20-30mins or so each session...

So for the past two days i practically lived in the toilet just like someone suggested I should do... lol...

For now, the fever is gone and stop vomiting but still keep on diarrhoea...
can do nth, not even play games cause my butt hurts like hell. Had to eat plain porriage and salted vege lol...
Worst, I could not work to earn money and I still have to spend money to see doctor...
Tian li he zai????????

haha... remembered the last time when I had this same illiness it was during secondary 2...
See it is so terrible that i could still remember it...
I had MC a few days but still went to sch after that, and still continue to have diarrhoea in sch for the next 3 days I think...
That time was so bad that I slim down to 68kg i think... and I even took our secondary school class photo. That's the reason why I look so pale in it and rather good looking cause I slimmed down >.<

The after effect was that I ate alot to regain back but ate too much I guess and grew real fat...

Hope this time round I can control... if i recover...

At the verge of recovering now, my stomach does not hurt any longer but my butt is real sore... as if I have been butt rape countless of times...
( that does not mean I have been butt rape or it is how it feels like, but just how I feel it would be like... >.<)

Even sitting down is a major problem...

Sorry for this disgusting post... cause I really have nth to do and bored at home.... JX2 server under maintenance again...

P.s: I dun understand why my diarrhoea is white in colour with the smell of protein...

You have not idea how happy you have made me...

^_^

I am out of my mind...

Been inside me for a very long time and i just bleah everything out...

Call me dead... cause I am dead... I might as well be dead...
Scared to hell sia... but I did it again...

I thought it is rather clear cut and simple... but it is not...

what else to do... to make myself happy...
(god i hate the gloomy face of mine... even long time no see friends thought that i am fierce...)

------------------------------------------------------------------

Found a job... oh yeah! a job... finally can have a reason to step out of the house... but there goes my holiday...

$6.5 per hr mon-fri 9-6pm...
gees... i will be working my ass off...

perhaps it will help to clear things off my mind... really wished and thought about too much things lately...

I need an answer...

any kind will do...

to subdue my raging flame...

to revive my dying soul...

Xin hao luan... lol...

As much as I really want something to happen between us...
That's not how she sees it?

Am I jumping to conclusion or making myself one?

Lying to myself once again?

So much to tell... not sure if she wants to hear it...

one thing for sure and its the fact for all I know now...

I heart her so much, so much... but we are just friends...

Back to realilty...

Tomorrow she starts sch... lol... gambate!€

Surpressing my heart...

Vacuum all the air out...

The fear of rejection...

Afraid the verdict of death sentence...

Thats the only reason my stops my from entering the court,

to defend my stand.

Afraid that her evidence may be vaild.

I plead guilty.

As I hope for a second chance...

A chance to redeem...

To live again...

To love again...

Love you...

It's nice to see everyone again... lol... ( though not everyone was there...)

All look fine and happy, great with their life...

But somehow I feel like weird... like I do not know them at all... (thou I do know them lol...)

Happy birthday Hafiz...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I....

hahaha... hai...

what is the freaking problem with me...

I am...

Xiang de tong dan shi hai shi hen nan jie shou?

Beating and trembling...

Stops and pauses...

Acid covers...

My heart?

Picturing and dreaming...

Guesses and wonders...

War occurs..

My mind?

Pathetic Me...

T.T

Am contented bah...

I have some doubts but even it is all a dream, it is a good dream...

Finally finished FMA? ( lol can finally return it to pok after more then a year )

Guess things could nv be too perfect to me, as I have to be sick today... gosh~ keep sneezing non-stop...
Really shitty... of all the days I have to be sick when I'm with her...

I duno what's up with me... And I know I need a job badly...
Firstly finacial crisis? (no income but output alot...)
To freaking kill time...

She seems really troubled... but she doesn't seems to want to talk abt it...
Hope that she's okay... =/

Haha... really got things want to tell her but not sure if she has to mood to listen to me... or she want to hear stuff about it...
My thoughts are contridicting myself big time...

I still think the "poem" if it can be consided as one to be very beautiful...

Hear my plead,
my heart bleed.
With your ear,
splashing of tear.
Questions of so?
Answered with soul.
Hear me out,
wide and loud.
Misses you much,
be my dear?
With me march,
with no fear.

-NSY

it's for her bah...
Lots of meaning inside duno who could understand it...